I found these on another site … thought they were worth republishing…

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. Many is the man who has drowned in a lake whose average depth was only three feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you’re a mile away and you have his shoes.
12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
17. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
29. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.