Category Archives: Fun

Old Sayings Nobody Actually Said

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I found these on another site … thought they were worth republishing…

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
  2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  5. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  7. Many is the man who has drowned in a lake whose average depth was only three feet.
  8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you’re a mile away and you have his shoes.
  12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
  14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  15. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
  16. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  17. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
  18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
  19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  25. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
  26. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  28. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
  29. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
  30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The Producers

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The ProducersYesterday Ginny and I saw The Producers at the Marriott Lincolnshire theater.

In a word: Fantastic!

The singing was great, dancing incredible, acting wonderful.

Guy Adkins was absolutely hilarious as Leo Bloom (played by Matthew Broderick in the movie).

Oddly enough, we received a letter from the Marriott Theater indicating that some people might find the content of the production offensive. The theater was offering an alternate show if a subscriber wanted to skip The Producers.

To be honest, anyone who might find the content offensive is pretty weird in my view. Even though the play makes reference to the Nazi’s … it’s clearly a parody.   But you probably knew that 🙂

All in all, a highly recommended play.

Target

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I was chatting with my friend Jim today and he commented …

you know what would be a cool job? working on the new big particle collider

To which I responded …

Just so long as the job title wasn’t “Target”.

OK, maybe you had to be there.

Copyright Humor

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Who said the U.S. Government doesn’t have a sense of humor?

How do I protect my sighting of Elvis?
Copyright law does not protect sightings. However, copyright law will protect your photo (or other depiction) of your sighting of Elvis. Just send it to us with a Form VA application and the filing fee. No one can lawfully use your photo of your sighting, although someone else may file his own photo of his sighting. Copyright law protects the original photograph, not the subject of the photograph.

– What Does Copyright Protect?

Some Computer Humor

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I found this somewhere on the ‘net a while ago … thought it might be worth reposting:

  • There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
  • A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
  • The programmer’s national anthem is ‘AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!’.
  • At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
  • Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”
  • Computer analyst to programmer: “You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.”
  • Computer Science: solving today’s problems tomorrow.
  • Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
  • Hit any user to continue.
  • I wish life had an UNDO function.
  • If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.
  • It said “Insert disk 3…” but only 2 fit in the drive.
  • Microsoft Windows: computing While U Wait
  • 665.9238429876 – Number of the Pentium Beast
  • I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
  • My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
  • Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
  • “To know recursion, you must first know recursion”
  • Life’s unfair – but root password helps!
  • Mountain Dew and doughnuts… because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
  • Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
  • “Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
  • Intel: We put the “um…” in Pentium.
  • Helpdesk tip #2: When the support analyst says “Click…”, wait for the rest of the sentence.
  • BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
  • BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
  • As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
  • Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
  • Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
  • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
  • All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  • A good programmer makes all the right mistakes.
  • Managing programmers is like herding cats.
  • “There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true.”
  • “A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.”
  • C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
  • A computer scientist is someone who, when told to “Go to Hell,” sees the “go to,” rather than the destination, as harmful.
  • 1010011010 – The binary number of the Beast
  • APATHY ERROR: Don’t bother striking any key. Application has reported a “Not My Fault” in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103F
  • “The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a software patch and a user with an idea.”
  • There are 10 types of people in the world … those that understand binary and those that do not.